You know the feeling. Your stomach is churning, your heart is hammering, and your palms feel clammy. You woke up at 2am with your mind going over and over and over all the ways this conversation could go. Finally you got back to sleep for what seemed like only a minute before the alarm went off. Now you’re trying to force down a coffee before you head out the door to face the meeting you’ve been dreading. Suddenly, your phone buzzes. It’s the employee you had to confront, letting you know they’re sick today and won’t be in. The relief is so intense you almost go weak at the knees. But it’s short term. You know you’re going to have to address this issue at some point.

Some people are completely fine with confrontation. Indeed, they might even go out of their way to seek it. Then there are those of us who would rather set fire to ourselves than create conflict. We may be afraid of the other person’s reaction – or sometimes our own. We don’t know how to raise a matter in a way that won’t get people’s backs up. Maybe we’ve been scarred by previous experiences that did not go as we intended.

Yet, we know that it’s important to address difficult issues. This might involve identifying a performance shortfall, refusing a much-desired request, or tackling a peer over a turf war. If you don’t say anything, both the problem itself and your resentment about it will only grow. Sunlight is a great disinfectant, as the saying goes. There are more sleepless nights in your future if you don’t open the conversation than if you do.

Here are some tips for the conflict-shy executive to have a difficult conversation.

Pick your battles

First, examine the issue. Is this something that definitely needs to be raised? Or is it something you can live with? Consider what the impacts are from not addressing this matter, compared with addressing it. Some battles are just not worth the collateral damage.

On the other hand, if you only take on conflict when the stakes are high enough to give you a nosebleed, it’s no wonder you dread confrontation! There is merit in practising setting your boundaries around small stakes issues. Not only does this allow you to build confidence, but it signals to others that you are willing to uphold your standards. That can sometimes stop bigger issues from forming. Naturally, your approach should be appropriate to the size of the issue – there’s no need to call in the cavalry to address the dirty dishes in the sink.

Set the scene

Think about the most appropriate place for this discussion. If the matter is straightforward and simple, it may be best to speak about it then and there. Similarly, if it is important to signal to others that certain behaviours are not appropriate, then don’t wait. For instance, if you witness racist, misogynist or bullying behaviour, speak up then and there.

On other occasions, you might want to schedule a discussion for a time and place where you have privacy and can prepare. If the discussion may lead to tears and your office has glass walls, consider taking the meeting offsite or to an enclosed meeting space with a box of tissues handy.

In some instances, it may be appropriate to have a neutral third party at a conversation you know is going to be difficult. Be wary of making this seem like an ambush or an intervention. A less threatening option is for each person to invite their own support person to the discussion.

Structure the conversation

When the time for the discussion arrives, just what do you say? It’s a good idea to loosely plan your approach beforehand, but don’t overprepare – that might result in a stilted, formal speech that only leads to defensiveness on both sides.

Here are some key points that may be helpful to include.

Identify the issue

Clearly identify the issue that needs to be addressed. Remember that it’s always about the issue, not the person. Keep your focus on one thing. This is not a time to read out a laundry list of grievances that you have been accumulating.

Some useful phrases to start the conversation might include:

“I’d like to talk to you about the matter of…”

“The reason for this meeting is so we can discuss…”

“Something has come to my attention, and I’d like to get your perspective on it. I’ve noticed…”

Clarify the issue

Be specific, calm, and clear. If this is a consistent behavioural issue, try to think of at least three examples that illustrate the point you are making. Just one, and your counterpart may dive into detailed justifications of why that thing happened on that day. If it is an isolated incident, beware of being drawn into other matters.

Some example concerns might be:

“The monthly reports were not up to the standard that I expect. There were several errors and formatting issues, and the narrative didn’t match the figures.”

“You’ve been late to several important meetings with key stakeholders. These included meeting A, meeting B, and meeting C.”

“Unfortunately I am not able to grant your request for study support for the course you wanted to undertake.”

Explain why it’s important

There are both short- and long-term consequences to underperformance or misbehaviour. At times we may be unaware of the impact our behaviour has on others. This step involves clarifying that impact and its effects.

For example:

“While we are a flexible workplace and we recognise that life happens, being consistently late puts pressure on the rest of the team and doesn’t look good to our stakeholders.”

“Reporting is one of the ways we justify our activities to the Board, and that helps us secure our share of the budget and support for the initiatives we’d like to undertake. Delivering substandard reports means others have to stay late to bring them up to par, or damages our reputation with key decision-makers.”

If you’re refusing a request, the approach is a little different, but it’s still important to state why.

“The course you want to study doesn’t align well enough with our strategic objectives, and with limited budgets, we have to be careful about which learning and development activities we support.”

“On this occasion, the panel found that you weren’t able to demonstrate your capacity around the selection criterion on leading teams. That’s a critical element of the role, because it has a high number of direct reports.”

Acknowledge your personal contribution to this issue

Problems are rarely black or white. There is hardly ever a single person responsible for any event that occurs, whether good or bad. Taking some accountability for the situation demonstrates your willingness to work with the person to get better outcomes in future.

For instance, you might say:

“I realise I haven’t shown you the format for monthly reporting that we usually use.”

“I sent you through the calendar invitation for Meeting B without checking what else you had on that day, which made it challenging for you to get from your previous engagement to the meeting on time.”

“I haven’t given you the opportunity to develop your team leadership skills so far.”

Describe the ideal outcome

It’s important to identify what good looks like. It is hard for others to meet our standards if we haven’t clearly identified them.

Useful phrases for setting standards might include:

“The figures in the monthly report need to be 100% accurate before they come to me for approval. That’s a high bar, but it’s critical because these numbers could be raised in Parliament. That’s why we need the figures to be cross checked by at least one other member of your team before they’re submitted.”

“While we’re a flexible workplace and you can set your own start and finish times, I expect you to arrive on time for any meetings with external stakeholders, or to send me an SMS by the start time if you know you’re going to be late.”

“One or two examples of where you have successfully led a team to deliver a project would have really strengthened your application for the role.”

Co-create solutions

As leaders, we are often tempted to tell our direct reports exactly how they should fix the problem they’re facing. However, people are rarely committed to solutions that have been imposed upon them. Instead, try a coaching approach by asking for the other person’s input into how to resolve the matter. Examples are:

“How could you ensure that you are on time for future meetings?”

“How might you get the leadership experience you need to prepare you for the next promotion?”

“What other courses are you interested in that might fit better with our strategic objectives?”

Practise emotional intelligence

After you’ve opened the conversation, clarified the issue and its impacts, acknowledged your contribution, described an ideal outcome and asked for their input on solutions, it’s time to exercise your emotional intelligence.

Just listen.

Don’t check your phone, or jump in with interruptions, or fill the silence with more questions while they think about what you’ve said. Wait for them to speak next and listen really closely to their answer. Only when they have finished speaking, try to reflect back what they have said to ensure you have really understood. For example:

“So you’re struggling to be on time for meetings because there’s not enough time in the day to deal with all the priorities on your plate right now.”

“Your view is that the course aligns with our strategic objectives in terms of A, B, and C.”

“You think that the monthly reports could be more effective if we moved to a new format.”

People have different communication styles. Be aware how the other person’s style may influence their reaction. Extraverts may give you a long, meandering answer or generate 50 solutions on the spot. Introverts may need some time to go away and think about what you’ve just said. Either way, it’s a good idea to offer the person the option of a follow up conversation to revisit the issue.

Be mindful of the thoughts and feelings that come up – yours and theirs. Emotions happen. People may be bitterly disappointed, or they may be angry. They may get defensive. There may be something else going on in their lives that triggers an outpouring of grief. You might need to reach for that box of tissues you put there earlier. You may find that your own heart is racing, your palms have gotten clammy and your mouth has gone dry. All of this is OK.

If you feel as though your emotions are carrying you away with them, take a moment to ground yourself by centring in on your breath. Remind yourself that you are not your thoughts. Be kind to yourself. This is a difficult conversation. These things are hard to do. You are here, and you are trying your best. Take another breath.

Debrief with a trusted adviser

After the tricky conversation, give yourself a mental pat on the back. It was tough, but you did it. It may have been more stressful than you imagined, you may not have got quite the outcome you hoped for, but it’s done. Nobody died, and you are here to tell the tale.

This can be a good point to talk over the conversation with a trusted adviser, coach, or mentor. Confidentiality is an issue in every workplace, so be careful with whom you choose to share. Also, some very well-meaning mentors immediately tell us everything we said wrong, and what we should have said instead. The right person to talk to is someone who will be discreet and will ask good questions, such as:

“How did that go?”

“What outcomes did you achieve?”

“Which part of the conversation went best? Why do you think that was?”

“Is there anything you would do differently next time?”

“What are the next steps?”

Most importantly, they will tell you:

“Well done.”